please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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