as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
