she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
