I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
