When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
