its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
