Swine flu is the new snow day.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
