I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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