Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize