he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I am naked and annoyed.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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