I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize