Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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