i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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