I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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