if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize