Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
