I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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