You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
