can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Randomize
