I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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