i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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