Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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