I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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