If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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