Got a toothbrush?
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
