the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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