It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
