Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
