Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize