Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
