I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
