i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
