I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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