I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
