I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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