Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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