You smell like stripper and shame
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
