sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
