I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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