Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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