what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
