saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
