I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize