first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
