Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
