so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
