So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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