Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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