Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
