So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
