my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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