Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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