ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
