How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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