We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize