I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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