So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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