I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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