Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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