she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize