dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
