he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
