My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
