if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
