MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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